Happy Friday lovely faces!
Big weekend plans? Usually I’d say no but this weekend is different. My closest friends and I have had a weekend away planned for quite some time and it has finally arrived! Shopping, eating, having a few drinks, winery, casino, swimming. All the good things! I’m pretty excited.
I can’t even remember the last time we did a girls weekend. I used to always opt out of things like this because to be honest, they scared me. When anorexia crept in, I couldn’t handle being out of my comfort zone, not knowing what I was going to eat, not being on my usual schedule or anything else that interfered with my rigid rules and behaviors. I would be a ball of anxiety the entire time if I went so I simply didn’t.
As I got better, I started to be okay with things like day trips and family vacations that were planned to a T. I knew what restaurants we would be going to, what we’d be doing every minute and I was able to have some sort of control. This wasn’t recovery, it was managing symptoms the best I could while trying to have some semblance of a life. Unfortunately, the only way I was comfortable even doing this was if I knew a month or a few weeks ahead of time and I could restrict my food intake so that I could ‘save’ calories to be able to ‘spend’ on my trips. This enabled me to eat out and a little less rigidly than normal. I still felt the guilt though, believe me. I still hated that I had used any of the saved up calories.
It was miserable and a terrible way to live. Sure, it was better than doing nothing at all… but I had intense anxiety leading up to the trip and punished myself ahead of time to be able to ‘deserve’ the trip. Yikes.
Now that I’m in real recovery, I don’t have the rigidity of ED rules. I go out when I feel like it, I get together with friends unplanned and if a bottle of wine disappears along with all the cheese and chocolate some nights with my fiance or friends, that’s fine. I don’t hate myself for it or restrict the next day.
This morning as I was working and talking with my customers about my trip, I realized that for the first time in seven years, I hadn’t stressed about a trip or restricted and ‘saved’ calories for the weekend. I had literally spent the time anxiously waiting to leave. I was desperate to do all of the things we have planned, have some fancy drinks (as many as I feel like), eat at fancy restaurants, buy new clothes for the spring, and have an amazing time. I was saving money, not calories. I realized that I was legitimately excited about the time with my best friends, not terrified. I also made plans for immediately after getting back to have a night with a few other girlfriends who couldn’t attend to simply have some wine, cheese, chocolate, watch some movies and just relax.
That NEVER would have happened before. There would never be additional plans to consume MORE after a trip. Never.
Now? All the time.
It made me really, really happy this morning.
I hope this gives some of you hope that real recovery is possible, it is a real thing and it can be yours too.
Have you had any #recoverywin moments lately? I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear them!!
Have a great weekend and remember to keep fighting the good fight!